Fulfilling a temptation or living a dream

Yesterday, I attended my refresher course on operations research for my PhD to revive my old mathematical skills on vectors and matrices which I remember taking from as far back in the 90s. After all the weird things that have been happening in my life, I guess I have to change the language I am using to describe my situation. Temptation should no longer be used, what I want to achieve is not sinful in fact it is something truly good for me. It had pushed away people that I thought genuinely loved me and supported me but their demons have showed up and how they had manifested themselves as the constraint and the problem that has sabotaged my progress for the past 20 years.

The professor asked us what we had for lunch and I have gathered adequate evidence from my camera phone that I ate kimchi rice with spam and egg topped with sheets of nori and roasted sesame seeds with a lemonade. I was very detailed in my description and the professor commended me for the attention to detail which is essential for operations research. I believe everyone now agrees that this is my truth and I have evidence to demonstrate what I truly ate for lunch yesterday.

The last coursework I took on toxicology was in 2019 and everything feels refreshing and revitalizing that I am back in class again post COVID-19 pandemic. If this is living your temptation why does it feel genuinely good and blessed? There were years in my life when I was living in sin yet I gaslighted myself into believing it was a blessing. The truth will eventually come out and the truth shall set you free.

The Academic Temptation

I am currently being tempted to apply for a PhD Scholarship, I know the rejection feels really really bad and it hurts so much, but I am so tempted to dive back into it.  I have been rejected due to over qualification, they feel my current affiliation with a big time testing, inspection and certification firm does not make me eligible for financial assistance, as if my current salary could pay their big time doctorate tuition fees.  I’m from a developing country, I couldn’t afford that.

Mentioning the word Big Time twice, that is another challenge…time, I haven’t got much of a time to get a PhD locally, I already have a kid in tow who is starting to go into puberty, being a mommy posts a part-time doctorate disaster…

It is almost September 2013 and this is when scholarship announcements for the next school year just flies in to my inbox. I have subscribed for such announcements just in case one institution may be kind enough to offer me a position in their research program with an add on for a studentship.

Oh well, I already had my masters six years ago and that seems ages…or is it the frustration of not having my GHG qualification yet….still EPt(GHG) attached to my name.  It is really tempting to get more education because I feel I am not learning anything new anymore.

Though feeling some sense of financial stability at the moment, it still scares me what lies ahead. I feel so mediocre in my current assignments as if I am not moving forward with confidence.  That sounds familiar. Why do I have wind turbines in this post anyway?

Maybe having those wind turbines means that’s what I have to look forward to. Is it me, is it my office or there really is something wrong with my country because nothing is just moving forward.